9 fears

I'd like to consider myself a brave person. Big roller coasters don't scare me, hundred foot cliffs don't faze me, and I can even sleep without a night light. But there are a lot of things I am afraid of. Really afraid of.

1. I'm afraid of sharks. There's no way I'll go swimming in the ocean because I have a massive fear of sharks. I can't even watch sharks on TV without getting scared. I think it goes without saying that I lock myself in my room for all of shark week. It's bad. When I was younger, Stephanie told me that sharks could get into lakes too because they would swim through the rivers (I used to believe everything she said...) so still, even though I know that's not true now, it takes me at least an hour to hop into a lake.

2. Public bathroom doors. I'm not a germaphobe at all. Not very many things gross me out: Once I ate one of my chicken nuggets off of a McDonald's floor (gross, I know). But there's something about bathroom doors that grosses me out. I literally refuse to touch them. Thank goodness for paper towels.

3. I'm afraid of becoming fat. I think that just might be one of the worst things to be.

4. I'm afraid of someone breaking my heart. Like really afraid of it. I put walls up for people, especially if I sense anything not working out. Which is stupid of me; it doesn't fix anything, and most times will make things a lot worse.

5. I'm afraid of being alone.

6. I'm afraid of crying in front of people. So much so that I literally can't cry in front of people. The only time that I really can cry in front of someone is if I feel 100% comfortable around them. Other than that, it never happens. I'd like to explain to you why, but I really don't know why. I think it's possibly because I subconsciously feel like crying is a sign that you're weak--that you're breaking down. And I was raised to always keep it together. I was raised to be strong. When everything else is crashing down, I was raised to only focus on the good in life. Crying is pretty much the opposite of that. So maybe that's why.

7. I'm super afraid of losing my individuality. I just want to be different.

8. I'm afraid of not meeting other people's expectations. I don't think this one really needs an explanation.

9. I'm afraid of letting people really get to know me. It's not because I'm self conscious about myself or anything. I just feel like when I show people the real me, I automatically become more fragile and exposed. I feel like I can get hurt a lot easier if someone knows who I really am. That thought scares me.

I hope you still consider me a brave person. If not, refer to the first paragraph (remember the part how I can sleep without a nightlight?).

I found a quote the other day by Eleanor Roosevelt that says, "I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do." I think real bravery doesn't mean that you are unafraid. I think that bravery means that you were afraid, but you did it anyways. It means that you did it in spite of that fear. That's partially the reason why I'm telling you these things. A) because it's kind of going against fear #9 and B) because writing them down helps me to realize why, and helps me to get over my fears. Because eventually, I'm planning on being fearless. If you're fearless, you have nothing holding you back. And I plan on going places in life.